and then a quote from when I had celebrated my birthday with my family a couple days earlier - "Got a feeling 21 is gunna be a good year" from The Who's "Tommy."
For those of you unfamiliar with the album/rock opera, as it turns out, 21 is not really a good year for Mrs. Walker, whose birthday it is in the song. Immediately after singing about feeling that "21 is gunna be a good year," her presumed-dead husband walks in, sees her with her new lover, and kills him while her four-year-old son watches in the mirror thus rendering him deaf, dumb, and blind (albeit with the ability to play a mean pinball). Which, in fact, is a bit reminiscent of the year that I had; full of awesome music, excitement, and death.
I had no way of knowing that only days after jetting off to a new country full of new people, exciting adventures, and men with accents, I would be faced with the horrible loss of one of my closest friends. It was completely unforeseen, out of the blue, staggering, tragic, there are a lot of adjectives I could use right now to describe the whole situation, but actually I've written extensively on the subject in this very blog (see pretty much every previous post). Despite having a physics professor father around to constantly remind me the how the universe works down to the quark, I am maddeningly superstitious, and something like that seemed to be a pretty bad omen for 2013 as a whole.
The thing about New Years is, everyone is always overwhelmingly positive about the New Year. They honestly believe with all their stupid little hearts that suddenly since we have revolved completely around the sun and once again reached an arbitrary pinprick in time, that they will suddenly be able to cut all sweets/gluten/carbs/processed foods from their diet and will meet the love of their life and get the job that they've always dreamed about and live forever in a Candyland without Lord Licorice.
When you lose two of your dearest friends in one year, you realize how silly time is. It takes time to heal, so so much time, but there aren't any switches, any magic limits that you cross that suddenly make it all feel better. Watching the clock turn from 11:59 to 12:00 didn't release me from the burden of grief that 2013 brought, or fill me with fresh hope for a new start. It simply reminded me that time is relentless (as Tamar's mother eloquently put it), it marches on and on with or without you, and before you know it you will be back at 11:59, waiting for the second hand to make it's way around the clock face, hoping someone will kiss you when it does.
I sat down to write resolutions of my own for 2014, because being cynical isn't really very much fun as it turns out, but I found myself drawing a blank. I looked back at my resolutions for 2013 and found that I accomplished exactly none of them (unless receiving baked goods in exchange for doing a scene counts as a paid acting gig) but that it didn't matter because they were all pretty dumb. Who cares that I didn't run 4 miles a day like I did in 2012, I climbed way more mountains that I ever have in my life! I tried (and failed) to speak six languages in six different countries, I successfully spoke two other languages in four other countries, I slept in airports and on trains, I charged my phone in bars and foreign clothing stores, I got lost in the middle of Bratislava, Slovakia with one of my best friends in the entire universe, I explored the city that is slowly becoming the place I call home, I broke a bone for the first time doing something stupid, I learned how to give myself shots, I went on dates both good and terrible, got piercings and a tattoo, I drove up and down the state of California a good eight times, and I sang for random people in a pub.
I never could have thought to resolve to do those things, because I never could have imagined that I would have the opportunity. How can I possibly make resolutions for this New Year when there is about a 0% chance it will turn out anything like I imagined it? So, my resolutions for this year are short and sweet, and I am sharing them with the world of the internet because they are the kinds of things I think we should all resolve to do, not just on New Years, but every day.
1. Tell people how important they are to me. Be sure that they always know that I value their love and friendship. Remind them.
2. Take a massive risk. Not necessarily in the realm of safety (i.e. crossing the 5 blindfolded = probably a terrible idea) but something big and life changing. Take a job, a trip, submit a story somewhere, sing in public.
3. Do outdoor activities at least once a week. The thing about Southern California is that it is nice like ALL THE TIME and hiking in January does not mean frostbite!
4. Feel. Emotions are scary and everything, but ignoring them, pretending they don't exist, all of these are terrible ideas.
5. Order dessert every once and a while. Because goddamnit when you die you won't regret the extra seven dollars and 500 calories.
I don't know how to sum up 2013, or if there is one lesson to be learned from it, or if I could make one of those junior high style lists of memories, because 2013 was all over the place. I learned that you never know when your last goodbye with someone will be - a family dinner ending in familiar farewell for now? A coffee date and a tight hug with a promise to talk more thoroughly when you have time that summer? I recently rediscovered a chain of emails between myself and Tamar from 2008 full of hilarious stories of our "dramatic" high school lives across the world from each other. To my dismay I found that the chain ended with a draft from me- an email I had abandoned mid word while explaining how hard studying for finals was (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA). I was suddenly faced with a strange sadness. 2008 era Tamar and Maddy had a lot to look forward to both individually and as a unit (in an earlier email we lay down plans for what was to be an epic spa night at our yearly cabin retreat), but I couldn't help being struck once more by the realization that no matter what, Tamar will never get to read about how I got hit on by some kid from junior high over Facebook. Everything ends before the final word.
I have already procrastinated this year. I've already fallen down the stairs in a fierce bout of clumsiness. The new year hasn't changed anything except the number I write on checks and in headings, but I am still anxious to see what 2014 will bring. Where will I be one year from now? Things are going to change soon, but I'll just have to wait and see how everything unfolds.
I have already procrastinated this year. I've already fallen down the stairs in a fierce bout of clumsiness. The new year hasn't changed anything except the number I write on checks and in headings, but I am still anxious to see what 2014 will bring. Where will I be one year from now? Things are going to change soon, but I'll just have to wait and see how everything unfolds.
